When I run out of questions …

I had written earlier about an interesting (or atleast what I tought would be interesting) concept for a reality show, now Prem Panicker is trying to do the same, in a slightly different way though.

Is this because he has run out of questions or is he trying to get more traffic? Either ways, if you have any questions for John Buchanan, you know where to go.

An idea for a reality TV show

Have you noticed that be it sports, entertainment or politics (probably to a lesser extent in politics), the questions asked by the media sound the same, and in most cases repeated? And this has been going on for a while now and the person being interviewed gives the same clichéd answers?

I think it would be a good idea to come up with a reality show where the TV channel picks a celebrity (for lack of a better word) a week and invites viewers to mail them a bunch of questions they would like to ask the celebrity. The person with the most interesting set of questions gets to interview the celebrity on the next show.

But the one loop hole with this program would come in from who makes the selections. If it’s the same bunch of journalists, you already know what the questions are.

But I still think this would make for an interesting show.

Friends. Bah.

I have no idea what I am doing here. You have already said that twice. I know, but I still don’t … Can we talk about something else now? Ok, if you insist. This music is too loud. I know, our pants seem to flapping and we are wearing jean. Oh, that’s because we are standing right next to the speakers. Oh yeah, let’s move away, shall we? Good idea. This is much better. But the music is still too loud. I know, can’t help it I guess. Where are the others? Dancing, I suppose. Why don’t you go join them? Same reason why you did not. You don’t have to be stupid just because I am. Come on, you are not stupid and I definitely am not. Bah, forget it, why do I even bother with you. Yeah right, this from a person who wouldn’t dance even if his life depended on it. You know I might rather look dumb than look uncool. Really, and right now you are looking dumb, but cool? Why don’t we just drop it? Sure thing twinkle toes. Thanks Sinatra.

Why don’t we just watch these nice people now? No can do. I don’t want to loose track of where our friends are. Then we will end up spending all of the night alone. Hmm. I think you should come to terms with the fact that we are alone right now. Stop talking, I almost missed them. Forget them, will you. Ok. I have no idea how so many of these are crammed in such a small space. They should have a limit to the number of people they let inside this place. I know what you mean. Its like that theatre in Kgiri, selling more tickets than the seats. This is much worse buddy. Its 50 bucks to just get in here and another 50 if you want to sit down. Its daylight robbery, I say. Ehem, its about 11 in the night? Whatever, you know what I mean. Where were we? Something about watching the nice people? Hey don’t push me. What’s wrong with all these people? Don’t they have any courtesy? Hey you, big guy, stop dancing on my toes. I think we got too close to the dance floor. We should move away, probably? Dude, we never moved from where we parked our fat ass feet. The floor is overflowing. Oh my god, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Dude, get a grip. Its just people. I know but they are overflowing – overflowing Jerry. Just relax, will ya George? There – watch that couple in that corner.

Yeah right. People, get a room. Atleast, that’s gonna stop this overflow. Hey, look at this other guy. That’s right. Just dance in front of her. Yes, you are going to get the girl hired by the club to dance on them elevated things. Right. That’s it. Just remove your shirt buttons and she is going to fall right into your lap. And while you are at it, will you please not do this right in front of me. Let’e move away, shall we. This guy is really giving me the creeps. Sure. Thank you. I really appreciate that. Oh yes, that’s it. I am the human inhaler. Blow all your cigarette smoke at me and I will save you from cancer. Yes, a little to your left and there. You got it right into my face. Good job. Buddy, I think you are loosing it here. Hell, I am. Some body please get me out of here.

Hey, you don’t have to grope me to go around me. What? Dude, don’t glare at these people. They are atleast three times our size. You want me to take it sitting down? I wish we could. People, I tell you. Disgusting. How can they even do this in public? Whoa, stop going all Mr.Saint on me just cause you are not with someone and are not enjoying it. Come on, I need all the reasons I can get to bitch about. What is the time? Are these people ever going to stop dancing? Hey, where did they go? You made me miss them. Relax, they just moved three feet to the left. Oh, good. I can seem them again. What is the time? Eleven forty, I think. So are these guys even gonna come and talk to us when the clock strikes twelve? Why would you want that? Doesn’t the clock strike twelve every night? Isn’t there a midnight every night? What so special about this one? Or did I hear you wrong a few hours ago? I know, but if I wanted to spend it all alone I might have as well have stayed home. So are these people gonna come or not? I don’t see em doing it buddy. It’s just gonna be us tonight, just like you said, like every other night.

“Dei, come join us now.”

No thank you. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you dancing aswell?

“Taking a break.”

Oh cool. Thank god atleast one of them turned up. I had almost given hope. How much longer till that damn clock strikes twelve? Five minutes? Good. Good. I hope we should be able to get outta here a little after that. Don’t get your hopes too high. You know how these people are. I know. Oh yeah, the stupid countdown. Do they have to do it every year?

“Happy new year da.”

Oh yeah. Happy new year. Is any body even going to bother wishing us? No. Ok. I get it. My feet are hurting. Mine too. Good thing we cut short the hike, and didn’t go for the six hour one as planned. You know who to thank for that. Now you are just being mean. And I think I have earned the right to be.

“I am going to ask them if they are ready to leave.”

Good idea. Thank god for this guy. Can I kiss him? Can I? Please, just this once. Aren’t you homophobic or something? What you are not man enough to kiss him? Ha ha ha. I get it. Shut up, will ya?

I think I see them coming out of that maze. Really, can you see them? Can you? Can you? Stop acting like you are a two year old. And stop jumping. You said your feet already hurt.

“Happy new year.”

“Yeah, happy new year to you too.”

Are all of us here? Good. Can we get the hell out of this place? What? You have to go to the restroom? Don’t go. These restrooms are really dirty you know. You can go first, soon as we get home. No, don’t go … Hey, you. Where the hell do you think you are going? To dance? Again? Somebody pin this guy down and I will handcuff him. What are you doing? Don’t let that guy go? Awesome. Now we are back to square one.

AAAAAAARGH. Did anybody hear that? No? Thank god.

“I am so … oops, sorry.”

“Thats alright. Don’t worry about it.”

What the hell did she apologize to him for? She ran her sword (shoes, heels) through my feet and she is apologizing to him? Drunk bitch. Relax, buddy. You are loosing it. You heard the scream, didn’t you? I almost lost a toe there and that’s a lot more than “it”. Its Ok. We are gonna get outta here soon.

Everybody here? Head count please. Six. Did someone say six? Awesome. I am outta here. Air. Rain. Beautiful. I think I am still alive. So am I! We made it, buddy. We made it.

Remind me why we went there again, will ya? We wanted to spend new year’s with friends. Right.

Friends. Bah.

Happy new year, indeed

http://www.mid-day.com/news/city/2007/january/149380.htm

linked from: Amit Varma

A rant …

I am writing this post because I am angry. If I am being a little vague at times, I have a good enough excuse.

People are highly judgmental. No matter what they would want you to believe otherwise, they really are judgmental. Also, people do tend to discriminate by nature. This is not something many people are aware of, and again that is the way it is.

This all started when a friend of mine wanted me to go to the movie, The Holiday with him. His plan was for a bunch of 4-5 guys to catch the movie in a hall on a weekend. I replied saying that I found it a little weird to watch what is a romantic comedy, with 3 other guys. He replied, acting all understanding that the point was taken and he thought that it was just a movie and it was not a big deal, but we did not have to go to the movie. I thought things ended there.

All these were through email conversations. So the next day when we ended up having dinner with another friend, the topic was raised again by him. I told him simply that I would feel uncomfortable going to that movie with 3 other guys. He thought otherwise. I never really told him that he should not go to the movie with other guys or anything of that sort. I just said that I was not comfortable doing it. My point was that some people in America would find it a little gayish and I was not comfortable being in that position. Things should have ended there.

Next day we end up going on a trip with a bunch of common friends and a few of his friends. So these are people I am meeting for the first time. Also, I hardly got to talk to them because I ended up with my own friends most of the time. We end up for dinner at a restaurant. There are seven of us at the table. I am assuming my friend told his friend, a girl, about my reasons for not going for that movie with him.

She was at me in a jiffy with all of her swords drawn and some more. And we hardly know each other. All she knows is what my friend told her. I will be paraphrasing mostly here, because I don’t remember the exact conversation. Her very first question was:

“Why wouldn’t you want to watch the movie, the holiday?”

I knew immediately from her tone that this was not going to be a pleasant conversation. And I was really tired after a very long day. So I gave it to her straight: it is a romantic movie and I find it weird to watch it with other guys. Her very next question was:

“So you are not confident about your masculinity? You have to avoid something like that to make yourself feel more like a man.”

For a second, I was completely at a loss of words. There is this girl, who I met a few hours ago, trying to pick a fight with me over a stupid movie for no apparant reason. Though I have this very strong urge to make people like me and see my point of view, I decided to let it pass this time. One, it was a dinner table and a social setting. I did not want to spoil the night for everybody else at the table by having a debate, especially when someone was actually looking to pick a fight. Two, I realized I really didn’t care what this girl thought about me. So I just told her that I was homophobic, which is true, and that I wouldn’t want to put myself in such a situation. She ended the conversation on a triumphant note, patronizing me saying to others that he at least accepts what he is. So there is no point in arguing about it with him. She also gave an example of how a catholic would not like to watch the da vinci code. By then, I was almost laughing, but luckily another friend, thank you AS, asked me how I defined homophobic and I was drawn out of the conversation. All this time this friend of mine was laughing his ass off. I am sure he must have enjoyed putting me on the spot.

But now, I guess I can make my arguments to myself and finally make myself feel better. I always hate it when a good debate does not meet its rightful end (that is until I have the last word).

First, these are some things about me which make me tell everybody that I am straight so that i can feel more like “the man”:

* That girl definitely looked stronger than me. If we had taken it outside, she would have probably kicked my butt.
* SA, a friend of mine once said (what became famous words later): “signedout, you seem to be well in touch with your effiminate side”, after I told her and a few other friends that I had finally over come my fear of the dark (lying through my teeth) when I once sat alone at a camp site for about half an hour watching the fire
* I still can’t watch horror movies. I am scared of them.
* And I am very edgy. I jump every time there is some noise around me. Bring a taboo buzzer next to me and you will find hours of laughter

So does all these make me any less of a man? Come on, grow up. I can’t even bring myself to argue about this. If I have to, all I can say is I am a man because I was born one.
And I see no reason in emphasizing it. Do you seem me going to the chickens and making them understand that I am a human being? They day you see me do that will be the day you see me telling you “how much” of a man I am. That will also be the day I get to wear a straight jacket.

And I didn’t get what she meant by if I would feel less masculine if people thought I was gay. So does she mean that gay people are effeminate and that they are not masculine? If that is the case, she has got it more mixed up than me.

And I hate to justify myself, but I think I have to here. When I say I am homophobic, I mean that I don’t like people thinking that I am gay. This is because I just don’t want to be seen as one. It doesn’t mean that I have something against people with that particular kind of sexual orientation. To me, it’s none of my business. It really doesn’t make a difference to me. To me the same definition of a man applies to my being straight. But why would I try to emphasize one (my being straight) when I claim that I don’t try to emphasize the other (my being “the man”)?

One, this means I would be losing the attention of millions of women (for all thos people say pffaw, cant i get some attention even if it is for arguments sake), which I would hate to lose. Two, I would be getting attention from people, who i will have to turn down in a nice way(if i hear one more pffaw…). And three, I think I can use determinism here: that is the way I am wired.

I am one of those people who likes to make a statement. I like to rub it into other people’s faces that I am vegetarian and why I am one hoping that I will be able to change at least one person and hence would have saved a few animals along the way. Similarly I wear Ganguly on my sleeve and gladly defend him any day. All this to me, projects an image of who I am and am highly protective of it. I don’t care what people think about me, as long as they got the right me.

And I couldn’t understand why she would come for the neck of someone she has just met. It really makes no sense to me. But then, it takes all kinds of people to make this world. Who am I to play judge?

Me

Notes before you read any further…..

This is a very long, very introspective and a very boring rant. It’s mostly meant for me.
This is as negative (positive) as it gets for me.
My honesty some times astonishes me.

Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: (After giving it a thought) I would define success as setting myself some goals and attaining them. I will not measure myself with someone else to see how successful I am.

I swear I came up with that answer on the spot. It was not a rehearsed answer for a job interview. At then end of it, I was pretty happy with that answer of mine. I thought it was a really cool philosophy. And yes, I did get that job. This was about three years ago.

* * * *

R: I think I am the second most successful person from my class.

Me: How do you say that?

R: There is one guy from my class who is studying law in the UK and I am sure he will end up making a lot more money than me.

Me: So you are defining success on how much money one makes?

R: How would you define success then?

I went to give some gyaan about how I would define success as something that makes me happy and as long as I was happy I would consider myself successful. Then I gave him a condescending look as if I was philosophical and he was materialistic and I was in a higher plane than him. This was about a year ago.

I am paraphrasing here.

* * * *

I am very retrospective. I over analyze things I do and things I have done in the past. I cannot say or do something which would sound uncool. Everything has to have the right amount of coolness. And this retrospective nature of mine or as many other would call, a middle class conscience points out every mistake I make. It would point out every statement I make and many times tell me that I really did not believe in what I just said.

This is where my first quote on success comes in. I kinda knew what he was expecting from me. I gave him what can be termed a very general answer, but showed me as someone who was a bigger person. I really am not. I do not care whether my friends from school are earning more than me, but I definitely care about some one in my team getting applauded for better work. Though I don’t worry about what the other person’s appraisal is going to be about, I do worry whether I am doing better than the people working around me. I can be a hypocrite at times and I have learnt to live with it. But what I have come to realize about myself is that I am good at feeding people crap.

I almost always know what the right thing to say is. And more often than not, I say it. It does not matter if I really mean it or not. It doesn’t make a difference if I believe in it or not. In all trivial cases I don’t even bother to check if I mean it. This has ended up in projecting me as someone I really am not. The funny thing is I know it. And I don’t think I am ever going to stop doing it. Though the little guy keeps complaining, I just am too weak.

This I have realized is because I have this urge to please everybody. I can so recognize a Raymond or a Monica. I just wish I was half as funny! I need to be loved. By everyone. Even by people I hate. Well, that is not true. Some times my ego comes in the way and bursts my nice guy bubble. But the bottom line is that I create an image which is not really me. And people fall for it. Its all cool with people you hardly know or interact with. They think you are a cool guy and everything is good. But cracks develop with people you end up spending more time with. In my case the result has always been one of two extremes. The good one or rather the better one, where I end up changing into the person I was projecting. The hard one is where things just don’t go to well.

There are two constants here. One, my never ending urge to please others and the other, my nagging conscience.

Which brings in my second conversation. Add to this my judgmental attitude and that completes the picture.

Time, experience, grey hair, wisdom … whatever you call it dawns on you once in a while. I have always considered myself a liberal and am being pushed further to the right here. I am beginning to get the bigger picture and the smallness of the self, but its assumption of bigger things. My conversation also relates to the fact that I want to pip my friend and I wanted to do it in my books and not in his. I was just happy with the fact that I considered myself greater than him because I believed I was not as materialistic as him. But then the little guy, who I am coming to realize is just plain logic based on my own parameters, tells me I was just being a sanctimonious bastard.

The one fact (and am really happy about) that is becoming more and more clear is that I can trust that little bastard in me. He has evolved into some one who is fairly confident about his beliefs. It is only I who has to learn to trust him more often.

I know life can be a lot simpler than it is.

Moving on …

December 8th is her birthday. I just got a reminder from one of those online Birthday reminder programs. It still sends a chill down my spine. It’s almost over a year since she took her life and I still don’t understand. The only reason the police were able to provide was that it was because some one spurned her love. I came to know this through friends. I did not know her personally. We were in the same class for about 3 years. She was one of the few girls in my class whom I respected.

I used to find her to be independent, intelligent and friendly. I had heard that she was one of the most out spoken and helpful person around. Somehow, she gave an expression of a very confident person, sure of where she was headed. That is why her death came as even more of a surprise. It completely shattered the illusions I had about life. I always believed in taking life as it comes. I had no issues, no complaints. I could not understand why some one would want to take their life.

I have moved to a point where I can understand that your life is your own property and you have every right to do what you want with it. If you think living is futile, you have every right to end it. But I also believe that it is a selfish decision. It might not worry you that you are also a part of other people’s lives and do matter to them. You don’t have to think about the impact your death will have on people who really love you and care about you. It’s your prerogative. But it still makes you a selfish person. If you can die with it, then so be it.

I am also trying hard not to be judgmental about some one else’s life. But some how I am finding it very difficult.

But, whatever I say or do does not really matter. She is not there any more and that is the truth.

I tried hard to come up with a cool title. As you can see, I failed.

Normal person: Did you clean your room?
Saamy: Is it me, or does your room look cleaner?

Question: Do you think I should get this?
Normal person: I think you should because I like it.
Saamy: Let me put it this way, I would go for it.

Normal person: I hate the conversations with married people. All they like to talk about is their kids.
Saamy: All that these married people can talk about is their kids and their terrible two’s and I am like, “Yeah right. Kill me now.”

The point I am trying to make, if you haven’t gotten it already, is that Saamy likes to use American phrases. Well, I like to use them too. But the problem with Saamy is that every sentence he speaks has to be a punch line. Ok, it is a bit of an exaggeration. It’s every other line. (You see what I mean.)

When I first met Saamy, I was quite impressed with how he sounded. He sounded like he was a total American convert and I have been trying to be one almost for as long as I came here, and as many of my friends would say, failed miserably and had almost given up until I met Saamy. Wow, I thought, now I have someone to look up to. If Saamy can do it, I can atleast try. Or as the Americans would say, “The least I can do is, give it a shot.” But alas, the fantasy did not last long. And it was not because of my inadequacies. The more time I spent with Saamy I realized that he did not sound cool all the time. I realized it was more of a contrived effort, especially in situations where two words would suffice, Saamy would be using a few sentences. I did not know him well from before. So I don’t know if it really is him or it is his way of fitting himself into the American work life.

But I realized that he was very comfortable with the way he is and very confident about it. And he is not one of those guys who throw their pseudo American accent (like I used to do, and maybe still do) at others just to show that they have been here a while and they are really cool dudes. He is one of the nicest people I know. He is very helpful, more than most of the people I know. He is humble and works very hard, a little too hard I think.

And then there is V.

Me to Saamy (on the phone): If you have too much on your plate right now, maybe we can do this later.
V: Was Saamy eating at this time?

And V is a great guy. He is one of the nicest people you will meet, probably even nicer than Saamy. He has been here almost as long as I have been and his is a really impressive resume. But when you meet him the first time, it doesn’t show.

And as I have been writing this, I realize that once again, I am ending up sounding like the only rational person here. I am making it look like there are two extremes of people around me and I am the balancing point. I have developed a knack of portraying myself that way. But that is not completely true. I come with my own bag of eccentricities.

I did not intend to finish this off on a self-reflecting note, but I seem to have.

And yes, I couldn’t come up with a cool ending either.

The i-dont-know-what-to-call-it tag

I am thinking about -

what i should do to parody for tagging me…

I said -

i don’t agree with everything i say

I want to -

lay down under the sky and stare at the stars

I wish -

i was not so lazy

I miss -

mom
B
my college gang
(jus noticed, i seem to be missing too many people)

I hear -

”tere bina….”

I wonder -

how far does the rabbit hole go?

I need -

people
my thought process
music
did I say people?

I regret -

being an a*****e at times

I dance -

probably when i am dead, or when i am with B….well they r both the same (now I know for sure that they are both the same)
I cry -

like a baby

I am not always -

superman, but almost always…

I make with my hands -

the finger??

I write -

for fun
to see what i am made of
not to forget

I confuse -

simple things

I should try -

to find out what i am really good for
not to be an a*****e
to make a difference

I should finish -

parody off, for tagging me

I know -

that my can of mountain dew jus got over.

I am -

what I am. I will be what I will be.

And finally -

this is over.

I tag -
no one. let life start all over again.

Moving on …

It hit me first when I went to the travel center and asked for a one-way ticket to Chicago. I was done with Madison. (I had a dream last night in which I ended up needing a return ticket to Madison and I was cursing myself for not having bought one). I don’t know where the two years went. Two years of masters and did I learn something?

Actually, I learnt a lot. I found that logic design was something I really loved. I am using the term “loved” because I don’t think I am going to be doing it ever again in my life. True, that doesn’t mean I don’t love logic design anymore. But hey, you know what I mean. I found that my math was not good enough for DSP. I also learnt I am no techie. I learnt I was super lazy and that you needed to really work hard if you were to do well at a master’s level. I also learnt that I was smart enough to do fairly OK, still being super lazy. I also learnt that the rest of the world doesn’t agree with everything I say.

But, things weren’t bad at all. Madison is one of the most beautiful places I have lived. It comes a close second to K. And I have lived in two places all my life. That doesn’t take away how beautiful Madison is. Its just because I am a lil biased towards K. And just like from my school days and my college days, I made friends, really good ones. I mean for life. I know people say that all the time. But I have been lucky to keep the ones from my school and college days and I am sure as hell not gonna lose em now. But to be honest, I have always been lucky. I seem to end up in places where there are some really nice people. I hope my luck doesn’t end up on me till I am like 94 or so.

In a few days, its gonna be, adios Madison.

P.S: Like some one, more enlightened than me once said, “The sad thing about leaving a place is that cities, water bodies and places are immobile.”