Guilt II

“My apartment is just a few blocks down. You want to go?”

Her hands were sliding down his thigh and he knew what the invitation meant. None of his friends were around and no one would even notice that he was gone. He could make up a story that he left because he had a headache and nobody would give it a second thought. Her fingers were on his fly now and he felt the surge of blood. He tried to erase the one image that wouldn’t leave his head – that of his wife.

He looked down at her fingers, then her hand, her shoulders and her face. She couldn’t have been over 25. He was on the wrong side of 30. He had been flattered when she asked him for a dance. The guys had hooted and pushed him towards the girl. She had seen the ring on his finger. She knew he was married, she didn’t seem to mind. He had felt a little hesitant in the beginning, but he was having fun after a few songs. He hadn’t felt guilty then. He was, now.

He heard the sound of a zipper being lowered – his zipper. He had to make a decision now. A voice somewhere said it couldn’t even believe he was contemplating it. He had been married for ten years now; he had been in a relationship with her for almost 15 years. What the hell was he thinking?

“Are you coming?” She sounded a little irritated. He didn’t realize his face had been a blank for over a minute now. She tugged him on his pants and pulled him behind her. The decision had been made when he was trying to make a decision.

They tumbled on her bed, nuzzling each other. He slipped off her gown and reached behind her for her hooks. He dug into her breasts and heard her moan. She pulled him up and their lips met. And he froze.

“I don’t care if you sleep with someone, honey. Just so long as you love no one but me, I don’t care.”

He heard her voice ring through his head.

“Stop being stupid. I can’t even think about being with some one other than you”, he heard himself saying.

“But of course, I will have to kill her.”

He heard her laughing and him joining her. It had been fourteen years ago. Had it been that long? They were kids then. What was he now?

He found himself on the floor, wildly grabbing for his clothes. He was still dressing when he left her apartment. He hadn’t said a word to the girl. He felt sorry for her, but he couldn’t think of anyone else now.

He tumbled down the stairs and out the building. The fresh air hit him hard and he hung on to the side of the building, as his body started retching.