Happiness

The spec on the wall now seemed to grow blurry and big. He blinked absently and it disappeared. He looked away from the wall and searched his room to find a better spot to stare it. He got up as he could not find one and walked up to the window. The faint line of the moon was already visible though the sun had not yet set. She will be home soon. He had to tell her his decision today. He still did not know how to break it to her. But he knew he had. It was for her own good. If she was not strong enough to kick him out of her life, he will walk out of it himself. The irony brought a smile on hic face.

When will he stop hailing himself as a hero? The ego of his was unbelievable. A writer’s ego. A celebrity’s ego. But he had never been comfortable with it, never learnt to live with it. This was what had tricked him to believe that he was good for her.

But he had always known deep inside that he was not. He had always been the righteous. He had always been the hypocrite. He had always been the more successful. He had always been lucky. He had always been open-minded. He had always made her see things his way. He had always seemed generous. He had always been selfish.

But he really did not care. He felt alive with her. She made him feel like a hero from the Greek mythology. And he loved it. He did not care what he was doing to her. And he never realized when he became dependent on her. She was his life support. But what he did not realize was that he was draining the life out of her. He did not want to realize that. He did not want to acknowledge that. The stronger he was becoming, the weaker he made her. And he did not care.

Until he realized something he had refused to accept. But once he realized that everything looked clearer, everything looked so simple. He couldn’t understand why it took him such a long time to understand that he loved her.

He smiled again involuntarily. He now knew what love was all about. He now knew what she was all about. He had tried hard to put that in perspective. He had tried hard to live that emotion he felt for her. He had again failed to realize the extent of his own corruption. He could not get off that pathetic life he had gotten into. He was no longer in control.

He heard keys slide into the lock on the door and the door opened. She waltzed in and he watched her as the room moved in slow motion.

“Beautiful day, wasn’t it?”

He grabbed her hand and forced her to sit next to him. He had to talk to her before she said anything. He did not look up to her.

“I think we should break up. I think I have hurt you enough and I don’t want to anymore. I have been a monster and I don’t understand why you put up with me in the first place. I can’t even apologize for what …”

“Budhu. You think too much and end up complicating stuff. Life is a lot simpler than the stupid books you write. You know what your problem is ….”