Strength

He was winning again. He will soon be bored with this one aswell. He was getting tired of computer games, anyways. He had to find something else to keep him entertained. He was waiting for the computer to make its move. He looked outside his window. The skies had darkened in the last one hour. People were walking hurriedly, trying to reach shelter before the rain poured down. It did not make any difference to him.

He turned back to the computer. He couldnt stop himself from gazing at the mirror on the way. He had once hated that mirror. He did not want any mirror in his room. But his mom had insisted that he had one. That was a long time ago. His mom had passed away 2 years back and the mirror had become a part of their special relationship like the million other things in his room. He did not like the way he looked. He once hated himself. He just disliked himself now. It had taken his mother’s death to bring that transformation in him.

To others he was just fat. He was teased endless in school. His being smarter than others only made the insults more venomous. He could never understand the attitude of his friends towards him. He had no friends. And any accomplishments in school could never win his father’s respect His father who was an actor, prided more on how he looked more than anything else. His mom understood him. His mom loved him for what he was. It was she who had explained to him that he had a genetic problem and that he could do very little to change the way he looked. His health was very fargile and he had to follow numerous physical regimen to keep himself healthy, the way he was. He was in his last year of school when his mother passed away and with that what little relationship he had with his father ended.

He decided not to go to college to avoid further humiliation. His room was his world now and his mother’s memories his life. He was still happy. He did not need anything else in his life. The mirror was the only one who saw the real him. The computer had still not made its move. He looked back outside the window. A beautifully light breeze was flowing now. The sky was going to open up any minute now and people were rushing towards shelter. His eyes fell on a solitary figure. In the eerily crowded sisewalk, she stood out. She was thin as a reed and the simple dress she wore stuck to her body because of the wind and made her look thinner. She had her arms folded arounded her, as if she was feeling cold. But her eyes were dancing. Her lips were curled in a smile, a smile of contention.

She walked with nonchalance. The darkened skies did not bother her. She looked up at the sky as if waiting for it open up. Her expression changed to one of sarcasm, as if taunting the clouds to start pouring. And as if on cue, large drops of water hit his window pane. He was mesmerized for a minute. He could not take his eyes off her. She opened up her arms as if to embrace the rain. People scurried around her, giving her an odd look. He barely noticed the others. She was completely drenched now, and the rain was hitting harder on his panes. He wiped them off absently with his shirt sleeves.

A sudden urge began filling up in him. He wanted to kiss her. He did not think of anything else. He did not care who she was or how she would take it. He got up from his chair. The computer had made its move. He barely looked at the computer. He walked out of his room. He did not know where to go. It had been two years since he came out of his room. He searched frantically, looking for a door. It took him two minutes to figure his way out. He almost ran down the apartment steps. He opened the door to the streets, afraid that she would have left. She was still there, her eyes closed now, hands wide open, as if beckoning him to take her into his arms. He did not care how he looked. He did not care if he was fat. He did not care. He knew she wouldnt.

He stepped out into the rain.

Questions

I am worried. I am really not one of those people who worry too much. But I am not sure where I am headed, and it is kind of disorienting. I think I am studying what I like. I hope to work in something which I will enjoy. But I dont know if this is what I really want to do all life. I have been thinking lately of what I have done in my life, and I really cant come up with something I can be proud of.

I am being forced to use the word I hate being associated with – average. And I dont think I can keep blaming others for what I am. My favourite excuse is that I havnt yet been inspired. I dont think I can wait for that spark of inspiration anymore. I feel that life is slipping by me, and I am on the goods train on the next track. The worst part is where I still dont know what I want to do.

I have always been a laid back person. Come to think of it, too laid back for any good, I guess. As Mr.Bunty would say, there are two kinds of people in this world. The first kind, who complain about things. And the second kind, who dont. Have always been of the second kind. Have been taking things on my stride for too long now. But on second thoughts, I think I havnt actually had my eyes open for a long time now.

Maybe its good time to sit up and start taking notice of things around me. Maybe its time to make some decisions. Maybe its time get out of cruise, and get moving. But I am too scared of the questions. Because I dont think I am equiped to answer them. I now know why I have been procrastinating for such a long time.